Rebuilding Connection Through Regulation and Attunement Part 2

Rebuilding Connection Through Regulation and Attunement Part 2 [00:00:00] Hey y'all. Welcome back to Rooted Resilience Podcast. This is part two of our conversation on why connection feels so hard right now. If you haven't listened to part one yet, I'd recommend starting there. We talked about how living in a virtual world fast paced. World has quietly stripped away intentional connection and how our nervous systems are paying the price. In this episode, I want to talk about something just as important. How do we actually rebuild connection without burning ourselves out or pretending we're not tired? And here's the truth I wanna start with. We don't rebuild connection by doing more. We be rebuild it by doing things differently. Most people hear connection and think more talking, more explaining more, fixing more effort. But [00:01:00] connection doesn't come from intensity. It comes from attunement. And attunement starts with regulation. When your nervous system is constantly braced, rushing, reacting, defending, even good relationships feel like work. That's why so many people say, I love my people, but I don't have the energy. That's not a relationship problem. That's a capacity problem. One of the biggest mistakes we make is trying to connect from a dysregulated state. We try to have deep conversations when we are already exhausted. We try to repair relationships while our bodies are still in fight or flight mode. We try to be present while multitasking, and then we wonder why it feels forced. And I just gotta be honest, I have done all three of those. And I am here to tell you, it does not [00:02:00] work. It does not work. It backfires. It always backfires. Well, it's always backfired for me for sure. And I don't multitask like I used to, so I've had definitely had to quit doing that. But the bottom line is I've, I've done all these, they've never worked. Your nervous system cannot offer safety if it doesn't feel safe itself. That's why the first step in rebuilding connection is not communication. It is pausing. Okay. Not forever, not dramatically, just enough to shift your body out of survival mode. Sometimes connection simply starts with, let me come back to this when I can be present. That is not avoidance, that is maturity. The second thing we have to let go of is this idea that connection has to be [00:03:00] constant to be meaningful. This is especially important for parents, partners, and leaders. Connection isn't about being available 24 7. It's about being intentional when your available, because five minutes of True Presence does more than an hour of distracted interaction and you know. I can relate to this because I have had people in my life that needed to be like, you know, I, we needed to talk every day. We needed to connect face to face. So many times a week, like we needed to be involved in, in, in every way, you know, and I'm [00:04:00] just not like, I, I do wanna talk to people, but I am so busy that I don't really have time to. Y, you know, be on the phone all the time or get together or do this or do that, because I think sometimes people forgot that just because I work from home doesn't mean that I'm not working like that I'm available and I'm not available. My job is very demanding, very exhausting, very demanding, and so I can't. Be available, you know, for lunches and that kind of thing. I'm lucky some days if I get a lunch, and yes, I do work from home, but when you have meetings and you have to have your camera on and it's with, you know, districts or leadership teams or whatever, you can't be, you know, eating your sandwiches and [00:05:00] your chips while you're in the middle of a meeting, so you, you know. And we're all on different time zones, and it truly feels like everybody thinks that a 12 o'clock meeting is the perfect time. And what I have discovered is that for the people scheduling those 12 o'clock meetings, they're usually usually 10 o'clock their time. So it's definitely not disrupting their lunch schedule. And my husband works from home and I don't know when the last time he and I got to eat lunch together. We do not even get to connect with one another during the day. And then when I get off of my corporate job, I've got, we've got something going on with the kids, or I'm working with Willow and Oak, so then we're not connecting a lot of times at night. So I've had to do a lot of resets and pauses. To, you know, make certain things a priority, such [00:06:00] as connecting with my husband, connecting with my children as well. Like tonight, I took a few minutes away from my work and I played Uno with my daughter because that's what she wanted to do, and we had the best time, and we even made a video about it. Because she just wanted it, you know, she wanted it videoed, but it's pausing, you know, pausing and just stepping away sometimes and just prioritizing things that are important. But I'm not the friend that's gonna talk to you every single day. Um, I'm the friend that you're gonna have to track down most of the time, but I'm also the friend. But if you needed me and you told me you needed me, I would drop everything and be there for you. But we just may not be talking 15 times a day. So back [00:07:00] to what I was saying, I contact a slowed down voice, actually listening instead of planning your response. That's what the nervous system registers, the safety and this matters. So I want to say this connection also does not mean it has never meant tolerating disrespect. This comes up a lot for people who are empathetic. Caring or used to being the strong one, you can value connection and still hold the connection possible. When we allow dysregulation, ba, di, or dysregulated behavior in the name of Keeping the Peace, we really are not connecting. Not creating true connection, we're creating resentment. Connection requires mutual regulation, not emotional dumping, and this applies in families, friendships, and professional spaces. You can say. We can talk about this, but not like [00:08:00] this. That's not shutting down connection. That's protecting it For parents, it looks like shifting from managing behavior to understanding communication behavior from your kids, just so you know, is not random. It's information. When kids feel safe, behavior settles. When they don't, behavior escalates. They also. Pick up on the energy that you're giving off as well, and they'll absorb that. Whether it's positive or negative. Connection with kids doesn't start with lectures. What they should have done could have done what you would've done. It starts with curiosity. What's happening for you right now instead of why are you acting like this? That one shift changes everything. And I tell you, you [00:09:00] know, my kids may say sometimes it is hell being my my child, because I'm all about communicating feelings, all the things. But I'll tell you on the flip side, my kids can communicate. My kids will tell me how they feel. I can slow them down and just say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. We started here and now we're going left. Let's talk about what's really going on. And then it comes out. Well, I'm just, I can talk to you about. Where you are, I'll meet you where you are. And if you say, well, I'm just, okay, well let's talk about it. It just takes slowing 'em down and saying, Hey, I'm picking up on something negative. [00:10:00] What's really going on? Let's talk about it. Come see it with me. Or if they're sitting and you're standing, go sit with them. Everybody wants to feel seen and heard. Everybody. I do. You do. Everybody wants to be seen and heard. That includes your children. And if you don't have children and you teach children, if you, if you have children and you teach children or you're around children, that is any kid, whether they're yours or somebody else, they just wanna be seen and heard. For adults, rebuilding connection often means unlearning, people pleasing, and I have an entire workshop. On overcoming people pleasing, and it's so powerful too. By the way, [00:11:00] I am finishing it up and I'll have it on the website soon and I'll, I'll let y'all know about it, but a lot of people confuse connection with keeping other people comfortable, but real connection requires honesty, and honesty requires safety. So if you're constantly performing, agreeing, or over-functioning to be liked, you are not actually connecting. Your surviving and survival is lonely. Rebuilding connection with yourself is often the very first step. Slowing down, noticing your body, letting yourself be seen without editing, that's where your confidence and your connection intersect. That is why everything that we do at Willow and Oak Centers around regulation first, especially my mindset [00:12:00] work, whether it's parent consults, adult coaching, child and teen support or resources like the Rooted Journal, the goal is still the same, helping people feel safe enough to connect, because when safety increases, connection just follows naturally. It's not forced, it's not manufactured, it's not rushed. So I wanna leave you with a few reflection questions. You can see it with this week, and you don't need to answer them all, but just notice what comes up. Where am I wife? Have I replaced presence with efficiency number two? Where am I rushing connection instead of allowing it. Number three, what would feel more regulating, doing less or doing differently? And number four, [00:13:00] and this is maybe maybe the most important one, where do I need to slow down so that connection can catch up? In part one, we talked about why connection feels so hard in a virtual world. In this episode, I want you to remember this connection is still possible, not through perfection, not through constant availability, but through intention, boundaries, and present. Yes, thank you for staying with the conversation, and if you're craving deeper support, more access in a slower, more intentional space, that is exactly why I built Podcast Plus more on that soon. You can go ahead and get in there. I'm actually doing the first episode tonight, so you'll have one episode in there. But until then, stay wild, stay well, and stay rooted, and I'll see y'all next [00:14:00] time.